


Finding Home

by humblydefiant



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, M/M, Post-Canon, mShenko
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-07-10 08:32:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6975577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humblydefiant/pseuds/humblydefiant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Jaxson Shepard decides to destroy the Reapers and, in doing so, wins the Reaper War. However, victory comes at a terrible cost. The Crucible, a massive weapon built out of desperation and without any clear understanding of what it would actually do, sends out an Electromagnetic Pulse, wiping out all electronics and sending every galactic civilization back into a new Dark Age. In a last ditch effort at survival, the crew of the Normandy makes a crash landing on a little known planet and forced to fight for survival. Meanwhile on a decimated Earth, Shepard is discovered barely alive with a long, slow recovery ahead without the aid of modern medicine. For Jaxson and Kaidan, their love for each other may be the only thing strong enough to overcome impossible odds to find each other again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shepard: The Choice and the Consequences

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: Although I will be working on the story, I will be taking a hiatus from posting new chapters in an attempt to post at more regular intervals. See the notes in Chapter 7 for more details!
> 
> NEW UPDATE 1/19/17: Okay... so it took me longer to get back into the swing of things than I thought it would. But I'd like to officially report that I'm back on this story. I've left the boys alone and apart for too long. How long before I will start posting? Er, wish I knew. But I sooooo appreciate your patience with me and I will strive to make it worth the wait.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: The death of a major character occurs in the first chapter. More details in the end notes.

Pull the trigger. Such a simple thing to do, in theory. Shepard had done this countless times on countless missions. It had become automatic. But now – just just wanted to die.

He looked at the gun in his hand, rivulets of blood tracing the length of the barrell. Down a short pathway stood a nodule containing his target. Destroy it, destroy the Reapers. If the ghost child could be believed, the end to this nightmare came down to something he could do in his sleep.

If he could only find the strength to act, but he was tired. So utterly tired. He felt his life draining from him, making his feet feel like anchors as he began to drag them forward. Uncertainty tremored through his arm as he raised his gun. The burden of all the souls of the dead, of those yet to die, flittered at the edge of his vision – watching – waiting. Perhaps he was indoctrinated. Or maybe his mind had finally snapped from the strain of all the worry and the lack of blood and sleep. He didn't know how to tell the difference. He didn't know if he even cared.

Jaxson Shepard stood alone and just wanted it to end. He wished Kaidan were here. What would Kaidan do? He invoked his lover's face. God, it seemed so real to him, more so than Earth above him. “Kaidan, help me.” Shepard turned his head, unable to fully lift it, to search Kaidan's face for an answer. He smiled despite everything just to see him there. Kaidan's soft, thick brow furrowed and his beautiful lips pursed with worry; yet, his face held all of the grace that Jaxson needed. “Pull the trigger, Jax. This is what you have fought for. What you've bled for. I'm here.”

“I'm scared, K.”

“I know.”

Shepard allowed himself another moment just to drink in the memory of Kaidan through his un-swollen eye. His chest dragged in shallow breaths. He looked at the nodule ahead and lifted his gun back into position – and pulled the trigger. Then he pulled it again.

He missed both times but this just made him angry. He pulled his free hand away from guarding the fire burning in his side to steady his aim. He hit the target with the next round and it spat out angry red sparks in defiance. He kept shooting, again and again. He filled each new bullet with more of his rage until they could contain it no longer – so it escaped from his throat in a howl of defiance. Blood coated his tongue and the familiar metal taste fueled his final push. The faces of his crew, his family, filled his mind. He prayed that wherever they were, they would be safe and live happy lives. The face that mattered to him most – the one he had finally been able to caress and covered with kisses – his was the last one he thought of as he focused on stabbing his bullets into the heart of his enemy.

The final bullet penetrated the glass and the nodule erupted into a pillar of fire. Shepard heaved in his final breaths as watched the column buckled and collapsed in on itself. I love you, Kaidan. It was the last thought he had before the explosion swept him off his feet and into oblivion.

@)---`---

“We have to go!” Liara barked at Joker, though he could hear the sadness laced throughout her voice. He knew she was right and this just pissed him off even more. He had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t leave without the Commander being back on board, that he wouldn’t leave him to die a second time.

The Citadel unfolded like a demonic flower, terrible and beautiful at the same time, and the last ember of hope within him sputtered and died. Red lightning danced across the station’s skin as a nebula of energy boiled and grew around the Presidium. He looked at EDI, at the sunken corners of her mouth. She noticed him and shook her head - no hope for the Commander, possibly not even for them. She would know; she had probably done millions of calculations in the time it took for his heart to sink. The Alliance’s full retreat had been called the moment the Crucible had activated. All of the ships that could escape had already done so. Apparently, they built the Crucible without ever figuring out what the hell it would do once triggered, so the brass had plans in place to get as far away from it as possible. He watched in helplessness a few moments more; the cloud of energy had nearly enveloped the Citadel. And there wasn’t shit he could do about it. It felt like the Collector attack all over again.

EDI’s voice hauled him back into the pilot’s seat. “Jeff, I have plotted a new course but we have to go.”

“What? Why?” He saw the data populate on his screen but he didn’t understand it. It looked like some backwater planet in an unpopulated system. They already had a preset rendezvous point. Why change now? He started to ask us much but EDI cut him off.

“Now, Jeff. Trust me.”

He did trust her. Joker swatted away the old plotted course and engaged the new information. He still didn’t get it but he wasn’t about to start questioning his girlfriend now. The Normandy pivoted at his command and danced around a dead, drifting Turian frigate. He could feel the power begin to coil, rumbling in the ship’s stomach. “Adams, prepare for jump on my mark.”

Adams responded with a green light on his dash and Joker plugged in the final preparations. He heard Liara gasp as she scrutinized the readout on his left. “Goddess.” He couldn’t see her data but didn’t have to guess what she was looking at. Even though the Normandy now paced away from the Citadel a blood red hue bathed the cabin. The building energy around the Crucible must be off the charts but he didn’t have time to get distracted by it. He’d wasted too much time already. He didn’t even bother with his usual countdown. “Mark!”

Once in FTL speed, Joker put his fingers on autopilot through his routine post-jump checks. “Talk to me, EDI. Where are we going?”

“Dolor. A planet in the Alpha Centauri System.”

“I can see that. What I don’t get is why we are ditching the rest of the Alliance. Something on Dolor you wanted to see, babe?”  
This brought that smile he loved to see so much, the one that said she found him amusing but was deep in thought. “I analyzed the energy signature building around the Citadel. It is essentially a concentrated Electromagnetic Pulse. If it reaches the ship, we will be incapacitated.”

“Oh, swell,” Joker mused. Of course, there was always a catch. Nothing could ever be simple. Bam, Reapers dead, civilization wins and a legion of magical, rainbow-farting unicorns would usher in an era of peace and prosperity.

Liara seemed to be a having a more eloquent line of thought. “But, if the envelope is centered around Earth, how will it wipe out the Reapers in other systems?”

“I wondered this as well and began to work under the assumption that the Citadel would be used in some fashion to overcome this problem. When the wards began to open, I began to theorize that the station could be used as some sort of an array. I extrapolated the line of sight trajectory of the Citadel array-”

“The what?” Joker interjected, though it got him nowhere.

“It is pointed at the Sol Relay.”

Liara’s fingers halted. She staggered toward the bridge’s forward display; the light of the streaking stars colored the revelation on her face. “Of course,” she whispered.

“So is anyone going to help me out here? I have no idea what you two are blathering about.” Joker already felt like shit having left Shepard behind and he had little patience to play catch-up while the girls had already jumped aboard the party wagon.

“The relays, Joker. The Crucible is going to fire the EMP at the relays which will bounce the energy from system to system, like a signal in a communications network.”

“Precisely,” EDI chimed in. “If my calculations are correct, the energy building around the Citadel reached critical mass 3.29 seconds after we jumped to lightspeed, requiring the Crucible release that energy by firing at the Sol Relay. The relay will then augment the energy before dispersing it to other relays and shedding any remnants of the energy throughout the Sol system.”

“An EMP would render any electronics useless-” Liara began before Joker cut her off.

“Even a big ass Reaper?” He’d already figured this much out but the broader picture began to become clear. The relay system would spread the EMP throughout most of the galaxy. Pretty clever, now that the pieces were falling into place. Now he just wondered how the hell no one had figured out that the Crucible amounted to a giant ray gun. All of those engineers and scientists building a weapon and they didn’t know how it would fire. Of course, the Catalyst, that everyone knew existed but no one seemed to know what it was, proved to be mystery bullet in the gun, he supposed. Shepard must have figured out what the Catalyst was and supplied it; thinking of Shepard again stirred up stomach bile into his throat.

EDI continued. “Correct. In short, an EMP centered around the Citadel at its current location would only render Reapers within the immediate vicinity immobile. Using the relays to direct and amplify the pulse will spread the energy throughout the populated systems, thus eradicating all Reapers throughout all theaters of war.”

Thinking of dead Reapers helped buoy his sadness over Shepard. “Hell, yes!” They deserved some fucking good news for a change.

“We aren’t in the clear yet. An EMP doesn’t differentiate. If the shock wave that bounces off the Sol relay reaches us-” Liara stopped short, a look of horror struck her face. “EDI-”

“Liara,” EDI shot a glance at Liara. “We need to begin emergency preparations. Given your crucial knowledge of the situation at hand, I think it advisable that you alert the rest of the ship on what needs to be done. ETA to Dolor is three hours and forty-eight minutes. We do not have a lot of time.”

Liara stood stock still. Joker wondered if perhaps she had gone deaf or something. He moved his fingers through his work and pretended not to be aware the Liara switched her gaze from EDI to Joker and back again. Sometimes, Asari could be so weird. “Yes, EDI, right away,” she said, though it still took her a full minute to leave the cabin.

He turned and watched as the door slid shut behind her. “What’s got her tentacles in a twist?” He thought that would get at least a chuckle from EDI for sure but she seemed engrossed in all of her calculations. So, he just shrugged. “So, not that I’m not used to blowing off the Alliance but why this Dolor planet, all of the sudden? Something there you wanted to see?”

EDI remained silent for a moment. He would have thought she didn’t hear him but he knew better. “I calculated that we would have insufficient time to reach the designated rendezvous point with the rest of the Alliance. The EMP would surely overtake us, so I devised another plan with a higher chance of success.”

It made sense, he supposed. They certainly didn’t want to be hit by an EMP wave unless this bird was on the ground. He mused in silence for a few moments. “Where did you find this planet anyway?”

He hadn’t asked for a lesson in current events but that was what he got. Maybe he had been too busy with the war and all to keep up with the news but EDI filled him in. They had all learned back in grade school about billionaire Victor Manswell’s ill-fated expedition to Alpha Centauri in 2075. All contact with the expedition had been lost and the pioneers assumed dead. What he didn’t know was that the colonists were accidentally discovered recently by the asari. The colonists were alive and - well - kicking, it seems, since they captured an asari sparking what could have been an ugly diplomatic incident. It all ended with a quick skirmish and the asari freed - it also happened mere months before the Reaper attack. This left the colonists little time to process that Earth had entered the galactic stage without them and left the Alliance little time to figure out what to do with the remnants of the Manswell Expedition. He supposed he should watch the news more, but he hated the news. They were such sensationalists and not in an entertaining way.

The advent of mass effect physics and over a hundred years of other engineering advancements would allow the Normandy to make the same decades long trip that Manswell made in mere hours. They could make it there bypassing the mass relays which were now being used to spread the EMP. And, EDI reasoned, the planet had the added bonus of containing a rather primitive human colony that might not be as affected by the EMP as more advanced civilizations would be. The more Joker heard, the more he marveled at the brilliance of it. He supposed that’s why he loved her so much. Joker mused in silence for a while, letting it all sink in.

Time passed too quickly and yet not fast enough. Everyone began feeling the pressure of winning this race they were in as Liara spread the news throughout the ship. Calls began coming in signaling readiness for the worst. Garrus, Vega and Liara all made personal appearances to the cockpit to coordinate the efforts. Garrus muttered something about lights and hating the dark. It was a rushed job but everyone pulled together to get it done. Joker began to believe it just might work. He hoped it would be much ado about nothing.

“We have a problem,” Tali blurted over the comm. “The blast wall just entered sensor range. It’s gaining on us, fast.” And just like that, his hopes were dashed.

“Calculating.” EDI said. Joker noted worry in her voice. Not good. “The blast wall will intercept us in five minutes, twenty-eight seconds.”

Joker glanced at the sensor read out and it made him curse under his breath as he watched a wave of - well, nothingness since the sensors could not penetrate beyond it. The void spread toward the blip of the Normandy. “Shit, shit. Dolor nearly five minutes out.”

“We don’t have that kind of time, Joker.”

“Don’t you think I know that, Tali?” Joker could hear arguing in the background of the comm link. It sounded like Donnelly and Adams were arguing something about diverting power and engine capacity. Joker focused on squeezing whatever available power he could into the thrusters, fingers stabbing the controls while his eyes darted between it and the sensors. They were so close to Dolor but so was the Wall of Death.

Liara had jumped back into her seat and strapped in. “Even if we reach the planet in time, how are we going to have time to land?”

“Just let me worry about that.” He did worry because he didn’t have a clue. Some good news - his readouts reported that someone down in engineering, probably Tali, had found some extra power to divert to the FTL drive, enough to push it beyond parameters considered safe. He did not hesitate to use it. “All stations prepare for emergency landing.”

3 - 2 - 1. The Normandy came out of FTL and the bluish green bulk of Dolor appeared before them - so did the fiery red wall of the EMP blast. He had a moment of wondering why red - why not yellow or fuchsia? He shook it from his mind. Because of the pulse bouncing off of the relay rather than following their trajectory, the blast approached from the port side as they sped toward the planet.

“What the-?” Joker’s panel sputtered and went dark. For a moment, he thought the EMP had already reached them; however, everything else seemed to be working. It didn’t make any sense, until it hit him. “EDI, what are you doing?”

“Saving you.” Her body sat still, her head turned toward him; yet, he knew that EDI inside the ship was steering it into a trajectory to prepare for a crash landing. It irritated him at first. Did she not think he could do it himself? He nearly said as much when it finally clicked and he understood what was about to happen. How could he have been so stupid? “EDI, no,” he whimpered.

He stared at her and she never took her eyes off of him. “I love you, Jeff. I want you to live.”

“I love -” he started.

The blast hit. The air surrounding him seemed to combust into a roiling flame though he felt no heat. It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the intensity of it. When they did, he almost wished they hadn’t.  
EDI’s body writhed in her chair. Tendrils of red electricity danced across her contorting body. “No!” he screamed just before the entire ship plunged into utter darkness.


	2. Kaidan: Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Normandy's crash landing, Kaidan feels the weight of the darkness. 
> 
> Thanks to my beta @potions master for having my six.
> 
> And, to my readers, I'm sorry for the slow posting! I will do my best to make it worth the wait.

Silence. The Normandy had screeched and cried in its death throes as it collided with the ground. The impact had made Kaidan feel like he were being rent in two; the worst had been the sound of shredded metal, reminiscent of a Banshee’s howl, that had caused his blood to curdle in his veins. Technically, it had been a soft landing, the ship following a trajectory that allowed for a gliding descent. Nothing about the experience had felt soft.

This had all followed hours of darkness and thinning air as the planet pulled the frigate to it. Once the ship entered the atmosphere, the Normandy nearly became an oven. The lack of shielding meant that the only keeping the ship from setting on fire upon reentry was the thermal plating of the hull, a ship upgrade suggested by Jacob before the suicide mission. It had saved the ship twice now.

The worst might be over but their problems weren’t. They might be entombed in this vessel with breathable air becoming ever more scarce if they didn’t get out soon. Already, Kaidan’s head began to tingle, his brain’s first rumblings of complaint against diminishing nourishment. They were still going to die if they didn’t act soon. He needed to get up. He needed to unstrap himself and help evacuate the survivors. He needed to -

He lay there. He allowed the darkness to bury him. He thought of Jax and his heart clawed into his throat, looking for its own place to hide from the hurt. He allowed the tears to roam free, tracing his temples before succumbing to the dry air. They came faster and thicker, making it further as they began slicking the same trail and pooling in his earlobes. “I’m sorry, Jax,” he whispered through trembling jaw.

“Alenko?” Dr. Chakwas stirred, though he couldn’t be sure if she’d heard him speak or not. “Kaidan, are you alright?”

He started to speak out, just so she wouldn’t worry; but his voice faltered. He managed a weak “mmm-hmm” that seemed to satisfy her.

“I think I blacked out. Dear God, what an ordeal.” He heard her ruffling in the darkness where she had strapped into the bed across from him. After Liara had come to spread the word about the impending blast, Dr. Chakwas had strapped him in, kissed him on the forehead and rushed off to gather as many medical supplies as she could. She wanted them all in one place near the main hatch.

In fact, they had all sprung into action before the blast made them a lame duck. Every time Chakwas had made a return trip to the med bay for more supplies, she filled Kaidan in on the fury of progress. Vega had dragged up as many supplies from the shuttle bay as he could. It would be destroyed now, having been ground zero. Kenneth propped open all of the doors and cleared paths through the ducts from the lower levels as the elevator became useless. Garrus gathered weapons; Privates Campbell and Westmoreland gathered food. All of that time, Kaidan had lain there feeling more helpless than he ever had in his life.

Karin Chakwas seemed to have released herself from her restrains and had her hands around his in moments, though she had awkwardly groped him before getting a hold of them. She apologized profusely until Kaidan said, “It’s fine.” His restrains popped open and she held him up. His muscles groaned from lack of movement for hours and some of this escaped his mouth despite himself, sparking more apologies from Chakwas.

“Karin, I’m fine.” A lie. However, his physical discomfort paled next to his emotional state. How could he fight for their survival when he no longer cared about his own? Shepard. The hope that perhaps he might be alive back on Earth or the Citadel - that small sliver of light at least allowed him to move along with Chakwas as she put his arm around his shoulder and began to move out of the med bay.

“You are a terrible liar, Major.” 

They fumbled forward, more from Kaidan’s half-dead weight than from the darkness. They both knew the ship in minute detail and could find their way with their eyes closed, which they might as well be now. The darkness seemed a predator, threatening. Yet, for Kaidan, it held a comfort despite the sweat beading on his brow. He didn’t want anyone else to see him broken.

Out in the mess hall, others were stirring and calling out for each other. Liara emerged from where she had been in her quarters illuminating the room with a faint blue glow, her skin shimmering with biotic fuel. Brilliant as always. Kaidan wished he could do the same but the loss of his implant and energy made him as useless as a wet match. “Is everyone okay?” She moved around the room, doing a visual count.

Even Liara’s pale light made him wince. He wondered if anyone would be able to see the despair he wore on his face and he consciously unknit his brow.

Karin led Kaidan to the table and lowered him into a set. She gave him a quick look over, her concern obvious in the faint blue light. Satisfied that he wasn’t in any immediate danger, she moved off with Liara to check on the other crew members. The room fell into darkness again as they moved off to the observation lounges and the crew quarters where others had buckled in to prepare for crash landing. 

They returned with everyone who had bunkered down on the crew deck. Amazing. Only cuts, bruises, and a few fractured ribs. Everyone had fared better than Kaidan would have expected. Hope began to bloom in him, though tentatively. They had yet to see the lower decks. He glanced around. “Has anyone made it up from engineering?”

A frown creased her face in answer. If they were able, they would have made it here by now. Javik was with them and could use his biotics to light their way. Their absence worried him. Their luck never held this well.

They moved toward Life Support; those who fared better helped those who struggled. Ensign Tyler tried to help Kaidan but Chakwas waved him away muttering that he was her patient and her responsibility. Everyone moved up the ladder up to the main deck until all that were left were himself, Karin and Liara.

Chakwas began to push Kaidan toward the ladder but something stirred in him. Now that he had been hauled up and forced to get moving - and had a taste of hope - he felt less like wallowing in self pity. “Liara, I’m going with you down to Engineering.” Being the only source of light, the burden fell upon her to assist in evacuating the lower deck. He could see the weariness on her face, see the strain of staying lit was taking on her.

“Kaidan, I cannot allow that.”

“Dr. Chakwas is right. You’re too hurt, Kaidan. I will be fine.”

Kaidan shook his head, determined. “So will I. I need to go. There’s no telling what you will find down there.”

Liara glanced toward Chakwas then nodded. “Follow me.” She offered her arm but he waved it away with a smile, determination helping him stay on his own two legs.

“Shall I send down help?”

Kaidan considered this for a moment. “No. The more people we have down there, the more liability, since we don’t know how extensive the damage is. If we need assistance, we will come for it.”

They headed for the crew quarters where the hatch to the lower level had been located. Kaidan recalled Joker’s tale of making that same route back when the Collectors had boarded the ship. Liara popped off the cover and looked at him. He nodded for her to go ahead, then he made his way down, slowly. His body cursed him the whole way.

As soon as he stepped down onto the engineering deck and took a glance around, his heart bottomed out. His intuition had been correct about the lower decks. Jagged shards of metal as sharp as dragon’s teeth jutted from the floor. Gashes in the floor opened up to darkness below. Liara and Kaidan had to hug the wall to make it around one. They could hear Normandy’s continued groaning. She bled from her burst veins, the floor slick with fuel. An acrid smell doused the thin air and singed his nose. They bypassed Engineering since it had to be evacuated before crash landing. The engineering crew had holed up in the port side cargo room where Javik had taken up residence.

Smoke and dust filled Kaidan’s lungs. He nuzzled his nose into the crook of his left arm to attempt to filter the irritants. It didn’t work very well and he coughed, blood coating his throat and tongue. He could hear shouting up ahead and tried to quicken his pace but the grated floor below shifted under his feet. Liara fared little better.

Inside the cargo hold, he could see the source of the commotion. The bulkhead had caved inward causing a support beam to topple in with the buckled fuselage slanted inward leaving a space too small for any of them to pass through. Vega, Javik and Gabby heaved on the beam, grunting and panting. Javik glowed with biotic power but Kaidan didn’t know if his biotics included pull or lift. He didn’t think so. If Jax were here, he might be able to use his pull to help budge the beam, though without his implant he would likely be as useless in that department as Kaidan. Liara threw a warp to help weaken the beam and they both set in to help manually lift it.

Where Kaidan stood, he could see feet underneath the beam although he couldn’t make out who they belonged to. Adrenaline pulsed through him, enough for his skin to light up with the faintest blue. If he could just spark a reave, he might be able pair it with Javik’s biotics to set an explosion that could help dislodge the beam. He decided against it because he doubted he could direct it in such a way as not to harm a bystander, including the person lying underneath. The same held true for Liara’s combos. 

He threw his body into it. He could feel the lacerations on his side and back opening up as his muscles strained with the weight. Even with all of them heaving, it didn’t budge.

“I need to go for help.” Liara insisted.

James shook his head, panting. “There’s no - no time. We can do this.”

Javik’s nostrils flared and the sides of his neck pulsed in and out. Kaidan assumed this to be the prothean equivalent of gasping. “I told you, human. We need a fulcrum placed at a strategic point to give us leverage to pry it off.”

A good idea. Kaidan searched the room. What would be light enough for them to utilize yet sturdy enough to not break under the pressure. He stumbled over to a promising pipe that had loosened at the top during the crash. “Help me with this,” he gasped as he strained against it. It took all of them pulling on it along with Liara weakening the juncture to help it snap. They shoved it under the beam and pulled down, groaning along with the metal. The beam lifted enough for people to be pulled through. 

“Liara. Put something under it!” James sounded as if his voice might crack in two as Liara gave up her assistance to shove a crate under the beam.

“It may not hold! We have to hurry.” She called back as she scuttled under the beam on her stomach.

Kaidan glanced at Vega. He nodded. “I’m going with her. Javik, help James with the load; Gabby, we will pass them out to you.” Kaidan didn’t wait for a response. He dived under the beam, his back and buttocks scrapping the unforgiving metal. Once on the other side of the cave-in, he tried to stand up. The entire outer wall had given in bringing much of the ceiling down with it. The seats that Tali, Adams and Donnelley had been strapped to had been on the wall but now appeared to have been ejected from it during the crash. He spotted Tali and Adams, they lay crumpled on the opposite wall with their seats still attached to them. Donnelley had been the one trapped under the beam. He couldn’t tell what had become of his seat.

“Liara, get Donnelley out! I will check on Adams and Tali.” She gave him a quick nod before beginning the delicate work of turning Donnelley around so that they could pull him through the opening by his shoulders. He was either unconscious or dead but, if he survived, they didn’t want to cause any more harm than he’d already suffered.

Kaidan took the few steps to where the other two lay. Dread and adrenaline mingled in his veins. He shook each of them by the shoulder. Only Tali stirred. She had landed on her left side; the fingers of her right hand fumbled with the seatbelt. Adams’ seat had stopped in an upright position, his right leg tucked under it at an angle that made Kaidan’s stomach lurch. His face also seemed pretty beaten up, eyes closed. Kaidan checked for a pulse. It took him a moment but he found one. If Tali were at least semi-conscious, perhaps she fared somewhat better than Adams, so he would take him first. “Tali, if you can hear me, I will be right back for you. I promise.”

He got Adams to the beam just as Donnelley’s feet were disappearing underneath. He looked through the space between the beam and the crumpled fuselage to signal that Adams was ready to be taken through the same way. Gabby crawled under enough to get Adams’ shoulders. 

Kaidan hurried back to Tali who appeared to be pushing herself up, or attempting to. “Tali, wait!” He rushed to her side and helped her to stand. She sagged but began to walk. She kept her head down but once her head swung enough for him to catch a glimpse of her mask - what was left of it. Most of the faceplate had exploded inward and left jagged edges around her veil. 

Liara popped up from the opening to help. “Goddess. Tali.”

“Help her down.”

They both got under each arm and helped to lower her down on her back. All the while, Kaidan whispered “easy” as if he could cushion her by repeating the word. Gabby slid her out with a mixture of haste and tenderness. 

He refrained from looking at Tali’s face, partly from fear of what he might see but also because he felt it would invade her privacy. He had never seen a quarian without a faceplate on and he didn’t want this to be the way he first saw one - her - without it.

Liara motioned for Kaidan to go through after Tali. He nearly argued but knew better. As he passed by the crate he heard it begin to splinter. Gabby helped haul him through then turned to do the same for Liara. As soon as Liara’s last foot had cleared, James and Javik let go of the lever and crashed backward onto the floor. The crate held for a few more moments before splintering under the weight.

“Now that,” Vega heaved, “is going to cause a - a hernia.”

Out in the hall, voices called from some of the crew that had ventured down in the dark. Kaidan sighed with relief despite having told everyone to stay topside. He could feel himself fading, physically. Liara and Javik, both glowing to provide light, were fading literally, their respective blue and green glow dimming considerably after the exertion. And, even though James laughed, he leaned heavily on Ensign Tyler who wavered under the extra weight. He didn’t know how they would have gotten themselves and the wounded crew members up to the main deck.

The next few moments became a blur. Chakwas came down and went to work on the injured. Liara went up to the med bay and brought down stretchers along with more help to carry them up. Once Tali, Adams and Donnelley were secured, they headed out.

Kaidan shuffled his feet in the direction they lead him. He put one hand over the other on the ladders. These simple tasks took up the last of his energy and his brain cleared of all other activity. He vaguely recognized being half pushed, half dragged around the CIC toward the hatch. Almost there. Almost to somewhere. A hand left his elbow to do something and gravity suddenly became more than he could resist, draining the blood from his head and taking his body down into oblivion.


	3. Kaidan: alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's happening to Kaidan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize again that I am agonizingly slow at posting! And I apologize that I have to keep apologizing. D'oh! Maybe someday I will be a decent fanfic writer who posts more than once a month.
> 
> This chapter was originally going to be longer but I am going to go ahead and post it because I don't want to try my readers' patience. I hope to make it all worth the wait. And thank you again for reading! The rest of the chapter is coming soon-ish and I will just post it as a separate chapter.
> 
> Praise must be given to my amazing beta readers for their help and for being just generally awesome people: [potionsmaster](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster) ([@nightmarestudio606](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr) and [milky_way_born](http://archiveofourown.org/users/milky_way_born/pseuds/milky_way_born)

Shepard’s quarters were dark and quiet. The thrum of the ship soothed Kaidan; at least, it normally did. Something felt wrong, though. He turned and ran his hand over the covers until he felt Jaxson Shepard’s sleeping form there, his chest rising and falling. Kaidan slid out of bed, careful not to disturb his lover. God knows that Shepard so rarely had restful sleep, undisturbed by comm calls or nightmares. Shepard had been sleeping better lately; Kaidan liked to think he had something to do with that.

Kaidan sat on the edge of the bed. He knew he should be getting some rest himself, but something was setting him on edge. Even his biotic amp tingled with a stronger than usual intensity, helping to produce the gooseflesh on his neck.

Perhaps a trip down to the ship’s mess for a fresh protein pack would help him calm down. He’d splurge on an apple flavored one, his favorite. It reminded him of the hot apple cider his mom used to give him when he would wake her to protect him from the turians hiding under his bed.

He dressed quietly and padded to the door. Kaidan looked back and could could just make out Jaxon still lying in the dark. He appeared to still be asleep and Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief. Love for this man drew a smile to his face but it faded as soon as the doors closed and severed the two men. The dread crept back in and made him second guess leaving Jax’s side. He hesitated for a moment before stepping into the elevator.

The lift doors parted onto blood soaked scene. His breath caught. Bodies littered the floor. Blood coated the walls and dripped from the ceiling. “No,” he whispered as he stepped out into the massacre. Alliance uniforms told him they were his compatriots but their mangled faces and his welling tears left him unable to identify them individually. He stepped over one body, then another. His foot slid out from under him and he just caught himself before landing on a corpse. He stayed there in shock for a moment, legs splayed and face to face with a woman who’d had her throat torn out - the look of horror frozen in her lifeless eyes. His stomach churned but he had to keep going.

He stood up and began to walk to down the war-torn London street. He appeared to be alone. A reaper blared in the distance and drew his attention to a blue light that stabbed into the night sky. He moved towards it, more out of instinct than conscious thought. A moth to the flame.

Besides the sporadic mechanical bellow of the reaper and his own thudding heart, the street remained deathly quiet. Until - the sound of displaced rubble drew his attention to an alleyway. He looked but - nothing. He checked the other alley. The doorways, the windows. Nothing. He took a few cautious steps.

Something snagged his leg. He tried to jerk it away but the motion made him fall. The hand still kept hold of his ankle and he followed the arm up to meet the face of Tali. Her faceplate had shattered and he could see her face: blue skin, a hint of a nose and a small mouth that worked like a fish out of water. No sound came from her, but the mouth moved. Oh god, it moved.

His own jaw worked - but his throat didn’t. He wanted to tell her it would be okay. They would get through this. He failed.

The wail of a banshee sliced the night with a serrated vengeance. The sound set fire to his veins. He shook off Tali’s hand - I’m sorry, Tali - and began to run down the avenue. His peripheral vision informed him of the reaper forces pouring out of every nook and cranny on either side of the street.

He slid to a stop as he realized the ground in front of him had fallen away, sunk into a crater too round and symmetrical to be created by accident. There in the middle stood the beam that shot up in a constant flow as far as the eye could see. He lost track of anything that might be encroaching upon him as it became his singular focus - along with the solitary man standing next to it.

Kaidan knew who it was without seeing his face. “Shepard!” The night swallowed his words and Jaxson didn’t seem to hear him.

He slid down the side of the crater and took off at a sprint. Above them both a reaper loomed and let out its soulless roar. This seemed to stir Jax and he turned toward Kaidan, his face battered and swollen. Kaidan reached out his hand in an attempt to bridge the distance between them with just his arm, but he was too far away still. He ran but barely moved, the very air an invisible sludge he fought against.

Almost - there. Almost. The reaper blared again and lashed out with its beam hitting Sheppard in the back. Kaidan could feel the heat of it searing his own flesh. “Jaxson!” He threw his arm up over his eyes to be able to see Shepard within the bright laser.

Shepard fell under the barrage of the reaper’s weapon. As his skin began to melt off of his body, his blue eyes turned up to Kaidan. Pleading. “You promised, K. You said you’d fight like hell.”

Kaidan watched as the man he loved disintegrated and his ashes drifted into the breeze. Seemingly satisfied, the reaper shut off its beam and fell silent, leaving Kaidan on his knees, helpless arms slung by his side. He choked out the word,

\----

“Shepard...”

\----

He bolted awake, the name Kaidan had shouted still echoing through the Normandy.

The darkness melted away as Liara lit up on the bunk across from him. She blinked in worry as she studied him. He could make out others stirring and looking at him.

He lay there a moment propped upon his elbows, the sweat on his forehead quickly dissipating in the humidity. He tried to slow his breathing before getting out a “sorry” to those he had awakened. He got up, pulled his stinking shirt from the wall and began to put it on.

“Kaidan,” Liara prodded, her voice thick with concern.

“I’m fine, Liara. I just need some air.”

She started to get up to help lead him out, a burden that she shared with Javik as walking torchlights. He informed her he could find his way out and did so, then made his way to the nearby stream. He splashed water on his face to knock away the sweat and tears before making his way alone up the hill.


	4. Liara: with a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara taps into Kaidan's feelings.
> 
> Once again, may kudos be heaped upon [potionsmaster](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster) ([@nightmarestudio606](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr) and [milky_way_born](http://archiveofourown.org/users/milky_way_born/pseuds/milky_way_born) for all of their help. *mwah!*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? Another chapter? So quickly? :-P Actually, this was originally going to be part of the last chapter, but I actually like it better standing alone. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! Who knows when I might post again.

The twin moons above Dolor bathed the world in a light blue hue. They shed enough of the sun’s light to block out all but the brightest of stars. Liara felt relieved to be able to quiet her own glow.

She scanned the edges of the camp and spotted Kaidan in time to see him disappear into a thicket of trees. He’d gone that way before and she felt confident she knew where she would find him, so she did not hurry to catch up. A dilemma arose in her mind: should she leave him be or follow him? She didn’t want to intrude; however, they had only begun to learn of the dangers that lurked within the woods. Kaidan could certainly take care of himself, but she wondered if he had the will to do so. In the three weeks since the crash, he had mostly kept to himself, working himself to the point of exhaustion.

They all wanted to get back home, but Kaidan had more reason than most.

Perhaps she could keep her distance just enough to not intrude yet be nearby should trouble arise. The ground turned into a steep grade just beyond the tree line. The only times she had seen Kaidan take a break, besides getting a few hours of fitful sleep, was to climb this hill alone. The short climb ended abruptly to a cliff face that fell away into a deep valley with a spectacular view. She had utilized the spot herself when she felt she just had to get away.

However, after what happened to Corporal Henderson, no one went outside of the camp alone. She chided herself for not alerting the night watch that she was following Kaidan. She wasn’t sure if they had seen either of them leave the camp, though she felt confident they had. Too late now.

She kept climbing, cursing every breaking branch and snapping twig. It couldn’t be helped. She stopped just before the trees opened up into a small clearing. Kaidan stood with his hands clasped behind him, his toes at the edge of the cliff. A fear jolted through her - had he come up here to jump into the ravine? No. She felt certain that Kaidan was not at the point of suicide; still, she poised herself to dive toward the cliff just in case.

Silence. Well, not complete silence, actually. Not like inside the Normandy. Nocturnal creatures made their presence known with unfamiliar chirping and cries. An occasional screech would echo through the valley reminding her that they were not safe out here amongst unfamiliar creatures. She kept herself ready to respond to that, too.

“I know you’re there, Liara,” Kaidan said without turning.

She sighed. She wasn’t surprised that Kaidan had sensed her presence - or, more likely, heard her fumbling through the forest. “I’m so sorry, Kaidan. I didn’t mean to intrude,” she said as she stepped out into the clearing.

He turned to give her a wan smile. “It’s okay.” He turned his gaze back to the vista and gave no indication of continuing a conversation.

It was a beautiful view. She hadn’t seen it in the moonlight. The trees dressing the backs of rolling hills swayed in the gentle breeze. She could just make out the ripples rolling through the treetops. The blueness the light imbued the trees with reminded her of ripples in water, not unlike a lake back on Thessia that Benezia took her to as a child. She drank it in for a few moments but it couldn’t keep reality at bay. Another alien wail jolted her from her sense of security and reminded her that they were on a wild, untamed planet. Her muscles tensed.

Kaidan seemed to notice. He glanced at her. “You shouldn’t have come, Liara. It’s not safe out here.” His brow knitted in worry.

“I had to make sure you were… okay.”

His face softened into a genuine smile, the first she had seen since - well, since they were all together with Shepard back on the Normandy. She tried not to think about it because it caused her pain, too. She missed Shepard so much and could sympathize with Kaidan’s own sadness. It was good to see him smile.

“I know, Liara. Honestly, I’m glad you’re here. I hate that I woke you - but I’m glad you’re here.” He closed the distance between them to stand directly beside her. He reached down and clasped her hand.

This brought an involuntary smile to her own face. She laid her head on his shoulder and risked closing her eyes for just a moment. The hairs from his beard tickled against her tentacles. His shoulder blade protruded a bit, a testament to the last few hungry weeks.

She wanted to talk, to ask him if he was okay, to miss Shepard together - everything, and not only because she was worried about Kaidan. She needed to talk about it, too. Her unofficial tasks had become serving as a light source by night and the crew’s counselor by day. She’d had her hands full with Joker, in particular. She feared that she had left Kaidan to suffer alone, though it seemed to be what he wanted. So she waited, content to be in the moment.

Liara lost track of the time that had passed before he finally spoke.

“We should get back,” he said, though he made no move to leave.

She raised her head and looked at him. “Kaidan, are you alright? I’m sorry if I haven’t been available to talk.”

A faint smile broke through the persistent sadness that shrouded his face. “I’m fine. You have enough to worry about. I can take care of myself.”

“But you aren’t. When was the last time you ate anything?”

His hand went to the back of his neck. “I’m not sure that is a fair question. We’re rationing.”

“It’s more than that. You barely sleep. And I know why - you miss Shepard.”

His mouth remained upturned into pallid cheeks, probably trying to placate her. But she knew better. Other body signs pointed to an internal battle: his jaw working, his slumped posture. She just wanted him to let it out.

“Sure, I miss Ja- uh, Shepard. We all do.”

“But the two of you were close at the end. I’ve never seen either of you happier. Now this. Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t -” she felt guilty as Kaidan’s outward facade began to show signs of crumbling. She wanted him to talk but she could also see how much it would hurt to do so. Still, she risked prodding. “But, Kaidan, you can’t keep this bottled up inside.”

He blinked as if blinded by a sun still on the other side of the world. Moisture glistened at the corner of his eyes as his gaze turned to the sky. Her hand rested on his shoulder in attempted comfort.

A humid breeze fingered through the unkempt hair that now brushed his shoulders. “I shouldn’t bother you. You have enough -” His adam’s apple worked in an attempt to tramp down his rising emotions. “I - I should never have left him.” His eyes fell from the heavens to her feet. His voice hushed to a whisper as he started to speak again. “I promised him, Liara. I said that I’d fight like hell to make it back to him.” He shook his head. As he continued, his voice began to rise. “Cerberus, I can fight. Reapers, I can fight. But I don’t know how to get off of this FUCKING PLANET!” He howled with the ferocity of a cornered animal and brought a chill to Liara’s skin despite the warm night. A man of restraint, she had never seen Kaidan display his feelings so openly.

He stood, breath ragged and furious, but the sorrow returned to his brow. “I’m sorry, Liara. I didn’t mean to unload on you like that. I’m acting as if I’m the only one suffering and I know that I’m not.”

“On the contrary. You hold so much inside that I fear for you at times.”

“I’m sorry for that, too. You’ve been so strong for all of us. Thank you.” He fell into an embrace with her, his forehead on her shoulder. Both of them ignored the smell of accumulated sweat and other body chemicals; they just breathed each other in for a few moments.

“Kaidan. He’s still alive. We have to believe that.” Her words felt thick with her own doubt.

He pulled away from her and looked her in the eyes. “I do believe that. Maybe it’s my own stupid optimism, but I’m going to hold on to that until I’m either dead myself or I know for certain he didn’t make it. And I - I feel that he’s alive. Is that crazy? I don’t know. But believing that is the only thing driving me; it’s also the one thing that is killing me about being stuck here. I’m getting back to Earth somehow. Maybe that is selfish. We all want to get home but we have to focus on survival first, I guess. But every minute I waste here is another minute I go without knowing, for sure, if Jaxson is alive or dead. It’s killing me.”

“I know. We will get there, Kaidan,” she said, her own confidence bolstered by Kaidan’s determination. She didn’t know how they would get there or how long it would take them, but, in that moment, she suspended all doubts.

They stood there in silence for a few more moments. Liara felt tempted to fill them with more chatter but she sensed there was nothing more of importance to say. She waited until Kaidan made the first move and followed him back down the hill and into the depths of the Normandy. She listened in the dark as he rustled in his bed for a few minutes before he fell silent. She prayed that he found peaceful sleep. She prayed many other things as well: for Shepard, for Thessia, for Earth - for the entire bleeding galaxy. She prayed until the rising sun brought the night watch in to rouse the sleeping crew.


	5. Steve: Finding Shepard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Cortez hears a rumor. Shepard is alive. He sets out to find the Commander.
> 
> Thanks to my amazing betas and all around upstanding citizens (on two continents): [milky_way_born](http://archiveofourown.org/users/milky_way_born/pseuds/milky_way_born) and Potionsmaster/Nightmarestudio606 ([Ao3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster) and [tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com)). Thanks, y'all!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may notice that I have gone off canon with a particular aspect of this story. The canonical explanation of medi-gel never quite clicked for me. So, I came up with my own reasoning. :P Don't hold it against me too much. And I will likely talk about it more in a later chapter. Besides, I like to make things extra special difficult for my characters (and me).
> 
> Also, this chapter is longer than the any previous one. I hope to make it worth your while. I'm sorry. :) I probably apologize too much - it's a Southern thang.

Steve Cortez could barely move but he went anyway. He’d crawl there if he had to. Dr. Simmons forbade him to leave the clinic but, given current circumstances, she didn’t enforce this. There were more pressing concerns for her to worry about. They all did.

Untold millions dead. Still hundreds of thousands unaccounted for. Society’s infrastructure decimated. Humanity had survived its encounter with the Reapers but had been left in smoking ruins. 

As he hobbled down the street, many of those well enough to dig through the ruins did so with bloody, calloused hands. They no longer had any hope of finding survivors - it had been three weeks since their bittersweet victory. Still, most people had missing loved ones and they clawed through the ruins of their neighborhood in search of that certainty, to know what had become of their spouses, their children, their friends.

Steve knew what that was like, not having answers. He still didn’t know what had become of many people he cared about; however, he had just learned about the whereabouts of one: Shepard.

Alive, against all odds.

After hours of shuffling through rubble, the Royal London Hospital came into view. He approached from the north and could see that the east wing had almost completely collapsed. Gaping holes marred other parts of the building, some with makeshift coverings secured against them, others left open like weeping wounds. Most likely, they would have Shepard in the most secure location possible.

But where would that be? He knew nothing about this facility: how to get in, where they might be keeping Shepard. Nothing. “C’mon, Steve. Think!” he barked at himself.

He decided to skirt the building to look for the least guarded entrance. And then? Well, he’d have to just go up, introduce himself, and pray. 

At least he wore his Alliance uniform, though it looked as if it had been put through a shredder. He’d had enough prescience to pull them out of his personal effects before leaving the clinic. It gave him a better chance than civilian clothes since he couldn’t count on biometric screening to confirm his identity. The complete loss of power left them all in new territory and everyone was playing by ear. If introducing himself didn’t work, then… he’d improvise.

As he came properly into the main thoroughfare that ran alongside the hospital some commotion caught his eye. A large, vocal group of people had gathered at the northeast corner. There appeared to be no violence occurring; still, tension saturated the air. 

He hesitated. He didn’t want to waste time but curiosity drew him into the throng. It didn’t take him long to piece together what was happening.

Most of the congregation carried makeshift signs with scrawled on wording using whatever materials could be found. Only artists wrote by hand anymore and it showed. Their attempts would be laughable in other circumstances but Steve wasn’t laughing.

One man held up a broken off piece of concrete with hand-painted lettering. It read: “Let us see our Savior.” He took a moment to peruse some other signs. “God Bless Shepard” and “Pray for our Hero” were common themes. By far, the most common signs contained two words:

“He Lives”

A shiver shocked through his spine. It all creeped him out a little. He knew that Shepard had become a symbol of hope in a desperate time for billions throughout the galaxy, particularly humans. Still, something about their fervor unnerved him. Besides, their presence just meant that security would be that much tighter.

Sure enough, a line of Alliance military stood between the crowd and the hospital entrance. Shit. The front line of civilians pressed against the soldiers. A tall man with a booming voice stood behind the line and pleaded with the protesters through cupped hands to disperse. He assured them that they were doing everything they could to nurse Shepard back to health and asked them to be patient. 

Steve shook his head. Why couldn’t they understand they were just exacerbating an awful situation?

He took it all in for a moment until he’d had as much as he could stomach. He decided that this was a dead end and began to withdraw himself from the crowd. Surely a side entrance to the hospital would prove less problematic.

“Steve Cortez?”

He froze and looked around. He didn’t recognize the voice but perhaps someone here knew him. Maybe someone could vouch for his identity and that might come in handy.

“It’s Cortez!” said someone else.

Soon, his name rippled through the mass of people he had not yet cleared himself from and they started to surge on him. They recognized him? The faces became a blur as he went into defense mode. Hands shrouded him, touching his back, his shoulders - his face. “Wait... No... Stop...” He could only whisper his plea as his mind reeled. 

He felt as if he had been plunged underwater and couldn’t break through the surface for air as bodies pushed and shoved into him. For a moment he saw husks, not people, and panic rose. His mangled leg threatened to give way under the pressure and his first priority became staying upright so as not to get trampled.

A crack rent the air. The startled herd halted in shock then broke away enough for a hand to reach through and pull Steve backwards. Once clear of the people, he saw the source of the gunshot. A woman pumped the shotgun and leveled it back toward the protesters.

He started to object. He appreciated being freed but he didn’t want any violence. However, the arm that guided him spun him away from the group and deposited him into a circle of soldiers that quickly closed around him to form a human barrier. He shuffled to keep up as they quickly led him into the hospital. 

If nothing else, this turn of events at least got him in the door. He had little time to absorb this fact.

“Lieutenant Cortez.” The man whose booming voice had been addressing the crowd approached as the soldiers protecting him fell into line and saluted. “I’m Major Connors. It’s an honor, sir.”

With the lag of processing the cascading events, it took Steve a moment longer than it should to drop his salute and take the major’s proffered hand. Everything felt surreal and he half expected to be in trouble for being found amongst the rousers outside. He spit out a “thank you, major,” that came across as rather curt.

“Are you hurt?” Major Connors’ face softened slightly as Steve shook his head. “Good, though I’d like to have you examined. This way.” He stretched his hand toward the lobby.

Steve fell in beside the major and walked with as much purpose as he could muster, though his leg threatened to buckle with every stride. He noticed the major give him a sidelong glance.

“I apologize that you had to experience that. We should have had the situation more under control; however, we are trying to keep the peace as much as possible. The streets are already soaked with enough blood.” 

Connors drew up and turned his bulky frame towards Steve. “The fact that the Commander’s presence here has become public knowledge is a grave concern for me.” He continued his march forward. “If I find the party responsible… well, let’s just say I may take matters into my own hands. After all, the hierarchy is in disarray. A court-martial may not be possible.”

Steve didn’t sense that Connors leveled this threat at him personally, but he ventured a question that had been nagging him as the major spoke. “Does my presence complicate things, sir?”

Connors halted in front of a propped open doorway and mulled this over. His lower lip jutted out a bit as he shook his head. “No. In fact, I feel you are safer here than elsewhere. But I must ask of you to report to me if you hear of anything that might help me get to the bottom of this.”

He smiled, the motion pulling lines into his face that had first been etched there from worry. He swept his hand toward the doorway. “Sadly, we have to take the stairs. Do you need assistance? No? I admire your pluck, soldier.” 

He continued as they climbed and Cortez silently blessed the man’s verbosity which hopefully drowned out his own muffled grunts. “We will get you looked at as best we can. However, given the sudden uselessness of medi-gel, even our best doctors are scrambling to come up with alternatives.”

After Steve’s crash, he had administered some of his own medi-gel to deal with his wounds to the best of his knowledge but he was no healer. He hadn’t made it to the clinic before the Crucible blast rendered the medi-gel nanites inoperable. He had wondered, among many other things since learning about Shepard’s rescue, how they were treating the commander’s wounds - which he’d heard were rather severe. He wanted to ask about this but refrained.

Connors prattled on as they climbed. He filled Steve in on the status of the heavily depleted military trying to rebuild itself while also attempting to keep order amongst a desperate and increasingly hungry populace. He briefly referred to the “damned near miracle” of finding Shepard but offered no details; Steve didn’t press for any.

Steve lost count of the floors they passed as they moved upwards. He’d heard that Royal London was one of the largest hospitals in the London Metropolitan area and, he reasoned, probably one of the largest in Britain. He felt it as they ascended. 

It seemed as if the major had slowed his own steps as they went higher, though he made no outward sign that this might be for Steve’s benefit. Still, he sent out a silent thanks to the universe whenever the stairs terminated and they emptied out into a hallway.

After passing multiple security checks which, thanks to Connors’ presence, they breezed through, the men came into a central nursing hub fluttering with hushed activity. Connors paused to scan the room and to allow his presence to become known. Indeed, heads quickly turned. The major caught the eye he wanted and beckoned a man over. “There’s someone I want you to meet,” he said to Cortez.

The man hurried over, awkwardly shoving some papers under his arm. Cortez had begun to get used to the crude writing materials that had become as precious as gold.

“This is Dr. Daniel Abrams. The supervising physician overseeing Commander Shepard’s care. Dr. Abrams, may I introduce Lieutenant Steve Cortez, shuttle pilot and requisition officer for the Normandy.”

Dr. Abrams nearly dropped his papers as he hurried to take Steve’s hand. “An honor, sir. The vids didn’t do you justice.”

“The - vids?”

“Of course. I was rooting for you along with everyone else!” A smile lit up a face that Steve felt sure had once been rather handsome: a shock of carrot hair and eyes of a brown so dark that each iris nearly blended with the pupils. However, the young man’s eyes were now shadowed by dark circles and beset with deepening lines. The war and its aftermath had forever etched their marks upon those who survived.

Steve’s mind reeled to process what the man was saying - and then it all fell into place. He knew vids of the infamous Normandy crew had become a fixture on the extranet since Shepard became the first human Spectre. Could he have been featured in some of the vids himself? 

Diana Allers had interviewed him once but he got the impression that she was just looking for some backup material in case she lacked for more interesting reporting; he also felt sure she had never needed it. Perhaps she had aired it after all? It would explain how he was so readily noticed in the crowd. How had he not thought of that?

“Oh, yes. Thank you,” he managed.

“Lieutenant Cortez has been through a mighty ordeal.” Major Connors clasped Steve’s shoulder with a gentle, giant hand. “I’d like for you or one of your crew to take a look at the lieutenant. For my own peace of mind.” He turned to Steve and smiled, though Steve noticed a hint of worry draped across his widespread face. “I’d better get back to dealing with the protesters.”

“Are they really protesting?” Steve ventured. “Perhaps they are just wanting to wish the Commander well.”

Connors’ smile fell and a long breath escaped as he considered this. “Perhaps they are, but they are disturbing a peace that we paid dearly for.” He nodded towards Steve ever so slightly and turned on his heel.

As for Dr. Abrams, he got down to business. He insisted on examining Cortez himself in an adjacent room. He busied over him for a few minutes, fielding a barrage of questions. Did this hurt? Could he move that? Did pressing here make him want to scream like a Banshee?

Abrams’ chuckle at his last question dissolved into a wince. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It was a bad analogy.”

Steve attempted to tell Abrams that it was okay. That he took no offense. That they were all just trying to cope the best they could. But - his voice caught below his throat before he could get the first word out. He offered a shrug and a tired smile instead. He wondered if Abrams’ had encountered a Banshee but didn’t ask.

The doctor finished the examination in silence. The list of injuries proved to be long as he jotted each down. They included three broken ribs, a cracked tibia and a second degree burn where Steve’s left foot had been shoved under a heat conductor upon impact. 

Abrams wondered aloud about internal bleeding but ruled it out as best he could without the aid of a scan. “How are we ever going to live without omni-tools?”

“Maybe we won’t have to for long.” Steve tried to inject some optimism into his words, though he felt very little. He’d tried to glean information from people at the clinic as to the extent of the damage from the blast. He had attempted to tinker with his own omni-tool during his time recuperating but had become frustrated from the lack of any working diagnostic system or proper hardware.

“Perhaps.” Abrams smiled as he spoke but his voice lacked any conviction. “However, they aren’t going to be working in the next five minutes; so, I have to apologize in advance for what I am about to do to you.”

The doctor shuffled over to a cabinet and withdrew some syringes and ejected some of the liquids within. “Barbaric, aren’t they? Still, it is fortunate that the Alliance had included an EMP in their terrorist scenarios.” He paused and leaned against the counter as if he suddenly felt dizzy. “Their calculations only covered large metropolitan areas, not the whole damn galaxy. But they did stockpile a good bit of older remedies, just in case.” He stared off for a moment before remembering the syringes in his grasp.

“Doctor, if these medications are in short supply, please save them for other people. I’ll be fine.”

“There are a lot of patients who come in that I can no longer help - who have injuries that I wouldn’t have bat an eye at a month ago. With medi-gel, I could just program the nanites to make the necessary repairs needed for quick, proper healing. But, now…

“I’m losing patients, Lieutenant. They are dying because I know longer know how to treat them. So I’ll be damned if I lose a single patient that it is within my power to save. Now, roll up your sleeve and, uh, one of these has to go in the buttock. Sorry.”

Steve did as asked, including sliding his pants down and bending over the medical bench, all the while preoccupied with Abrams’ statement. As he pulled his pants back up around his waist he decided to risk asking, “Commander Shepard? Is he someone you can save?”

Abrams hesitated in the middle of discarding the needles into a canister. When he finished, he turned back to Steve with an expression that held a silent storm of emotions. He seemed to be measuring each word to understand the weight they would carry as he spoke them. Finally: “Not me. No. I can’t save him. But, as a team - myself and some of the best doctors we could muster - yes, he has a chance. Would you like to see him?”

“Am I allowed?” He had hoped he would be able to see Shepard somehow from the moment he heard of his whereabouts; yet, he hadn’t dared hope he could for fear that his hopes would be dashed. The doctor stepped right up to his knees and Steve felt suddenly self-conscious about his own breathing.

“Technically? No. However, certain regulations are a bit, um, lax right now. As part of the Commander’s crew, I feel you have that right. I know Major Connors would agree.” 

Steve raised an eyebrow at this but said nothing.

Abrams took Cortez’s silence as a decision to see Shepard, so he finished wrapping some bandages and swept a hand towards the door. “This way.”

Cortez followed Abrams down a corridor back towards the central nurse’s station. They passed several people stripping wires out of the walls and ceiling with coils of new wire propped against the wall. He noticed a few workers giving him a second glance as he walked by.

“From what I understand, hospitals are going to take priority getting new power infrastructure.”

“I doubt it’s as simple as re-wiring the place.”

Abrams shrugged. “Not my specialty I’m afraid. I can hope.”

They turned down a darkening hallway, evidence of a sinking sun. Abrams stopped momentarily to gather some candles and - matches? Steve thought he remembered the term correctly. He’d heard about them from Robert who used to do some rustic camping with his dad and brother when he was a teenager. 

As Steve limped along, he noticed the rooms lining this corridor were empty, most likely for security reasons. Guards standing at attention every few doorways confirmed this. They turned a corner into a short auxiliary hallway that terminated at a corner in the building. The last room proved to be their destination.

There lay Shepard.

He’d tried to steel himself. He’d expected the worst, yet his breath caught in this throat when he first caught sight of the man lying there. Only a few things of Shepard’s body remained visible through bandages, gauze and a tangle of tubes. Only his neck, part of his chest and the lower half of his face remained visible; those parts of him were swollen, charred and covered by some sort of ointment that made his skin appear somewhat translucent. At least, Steve hoped it was just an effect of the salve.

As he moved to the side of Shepard’s bed, Steve felt his heart grow swollen and heavy. He didn’t touch Shepard for fear of causing further harm. “Oh God. Shepard... What happened to him?”

Abrams shook his head. “It appears some sort of explosion occurred. Perhaps due to the Crucible firing? He’s in a coma, which is a blessing due to the extent of his burns and other trauma. Older analgesics are no replacement for medi-gel but - well, we are doing what we can.”

“You really think that you and your team can save him?”

The fault lines within the doctor’s forehead deepened as he sighed. “I’m not going to lie. His condition is critical. But I am confident he will pull through.”

Steve no longer attempted to keep the shock of sorrow from his face, nor the streams of tears that it spurred. 

Abrams stepped around the bed to throw a comforting arm around Steve’s shoulder. “Listen, I owe Commander Shepard my life, very literally. He saved me years ago from some very angry batarians. I will always be grateful to him for that. So, please know that I will do everything in my power to make sure that he makes it. And we have an entire team of some excellent doctors who are devoted solely to that same purpose.”

Steve nodded as he watched the Commander, his own breath catching between each fall and rise of Shepard’s chest. He stood there in silence for as long as he could. Abrams allowed him this for several minutes, leaving his arm draped over Steve’s shoulder.

Finally, Abrams broke the silence, “It’s getting dark. I need to show you to your room; actually, I need to find out where your room is going to be, since you are a surprise guest,” he said with a smile. “But, wherever they have assigned you to, I need to get you there. Until the lights are back on, we have a curfew at dusk for any non-essential personnel. Welcome to the dark ages,” he huffed. “Anyway, you need to rest.”

Steve allowed himself to be led to the door. He stopped there for one last look. “I’ll be back, Shepard. Get well.” It felt like a stupid thing to say but it was all he could conjure. He hoped how strongly he wished for Shepard’s recovery would make it happen. He’d already lost one man that he loved; he didn’t know if he could bear it happening again.


	6. Steve: Unrequited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things haven't gone as Steve envisioned but Dr. Abrams comes with some news that promises change - though there is trouble brewing. And he gets a surprise visit from an old acquaintance who may have some much needed answers.
> 
> ¡Muchos gracias! to my two betas: nightmarestudio606 ([tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com))/potionsmaster ([Ao3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster)) and [milky_way_born](http://archiveofourown.org/users/milky_way_born/pseuds/milky_way_born) for being a-mah-zing. And nightmare, thanks for getting me un-stuck. Sorry I got mud all over you. :)

“Steve?”

Cortez rolled over to face the man at the entryway. It was mid-afternoon but he had little else to do than to try to get some rest. “Dr. Abrams. Come in.”

“I’m sorry. Did I wake you?” Abrams had stuck his head through a slit in the curtain that they had draped across the doorway in some attempt for privacy. “I would have knocked but…”

“No, you didn’t wake me.”

“Hard bed keeping you from sleeping?” he asked as he slipped past the curtain and pulled the solitary chair out from the corner to face him.

Steve answered yes though this was only partly true. There were more things than an uncomfortable hospital bed conspiring against his rest. He sat up and swung his feet over the bed. He’d dozed some, at least, if the crust he found as he wiped his eyes were any evidence. Honestly, he hadn’t realized he had. “It’s good to see you, Dr. Abrams.” And where the hell have you been?

In the two weeks since Steve had arrived at Royal London Hospital, he hadn’t seen Dr. Abrams or Major Connors since that first day. He hadn’t seen Shepard again. He’d been well cared for; he certainly couldn’t complain about that. Other doctors visited him multiple times a day. He received three meager rations a day, more than he could say for most people these days. When he asked as to Shepard’s condition, the doctors and nurses said they didn’t know. They all seemed to be pleased that Steve was healing well, but not knowing about Shepard made him feel physically ill.

Dr. Abrams seemed to sense all of these things. He wore guilt on his face as he straddled the chair with its back across his chest. He propped his elbow upon it and set his mouth against his fist while he studied Steve for a moment. His gazed sized his patient up emotionally this time, rather than physically. “I’m sorry I haven’t been back to see you. How have you been?”

“The other doctors seem to think I’m healing nicely.”

A slight smile broke beneath Abrams’ still furrowed brow. “So I hear. I do want to give you an examination to see for myself, though. Assume the position,” he said with a snort as he stood up long enough to flip the chair around. Once seated again, he pulled a pair of gloves out of his jacket pocket and began to work them onto his thin hands.

The smell of latex reached Steve’s nose just as he pulled his teeshirt over his head. This was not a swift motion as the shirt the hospital had provided for him proved to be a bit snug. The shorts, on the other hand, fit loosely around his thinning waist and fell to the floor easily. He shivered as he stood in his underwear though it was rather balmy in the room.

Abrams noticed and chuckled as he leaned in to begin his routine of poking and prodding. Silence shrouded the room during the exam except for the doctor’s occasional mutter of approval and the clank of his - stethoscope? - as he tossed it onto the counter top. Steve had never asked what this new (or, more correctly, very old) contraption might be but one of the more chatty doctors had openly complained that he’d been reduced to such tactics. It always seemed to be unaccountably cold against Steve’s skin.

Finally, Abrams leaned back and peeled away his gloves. “You’re as healthy as a pyjack. Well, not really, but you are healing very nicely. The swelling in your leg has diminished quite a bit though you will likely notice some for a few more weeks. Any pain?”

“No.”

“You’re lying. If I scrounge up some pain medications, would you take them?”

“No.”

Abrams’ full smile beamed through this time. “Now that, I believe.” He rolled the chair back to give Steve some room and folded his arms across his chest. “So, how are you really?”

Steve pulled in air to his lungs’ capacity and let it out slowly. “I’m fine.” He noted the physician’s cocked eyebrow and knew that he wouldn’t get away with this as an answer. He decided in that moment to ask the only question that mattered to the one person who would know the answer. “How is the Commander?”

A complex look crossed Abrams’ face that Steve couldn’t quite read. It seemed to hold layers of hope and doubt in equal measures. As he stared at Steve, he appeared to be working out how best to answer this question as his lip worked back and forth under his upper teeth. “I’m sorry that you haven’t been allowed to see him again. Things have been - happening - and the major felt it best that access to him be restricted to medical personnel only. I feel that was a mistake. But, you will be happy to know that he is healing nicely, given the extent of his trauma.”

Good news, Steve supposed. He nodded for he didn’t know how else to respond. It didn’t make his heart feel any lighter.

Dr. Abrams stood up but continued to study his patient with pursed lips. “What I feel - what I’ve been working the last two weeks to convince the major that the commander needs - is a familiar face there with him, as much as possible. We have every reason to hope that, as he heals, the chances of him coming out of a coma increases. It can be very confusing for the patient when they first rouse and someone familiar can help with that.”

The doctor paused and Steve filled the gap with another nod. It made sense, he supposed, though he remained preoccupied with the news that Shepard remained in a coma.

“What I’m taking a long time to say, I guess, is that I’ve gotten permission from Major Connors to have you stay with Commander Shepard. If that is okay with you, of course.”

Steve slid to his feet and didn’t even wince as his leg sent its complaints at the sudden weight. “Me?”

Abrams smiled but it melted quickly. He strode a few steps back to the curtain and scanned the hallway beyond. When he turned back to Steve, his mouth had faded to a thin line. “There is more you need to know but I can’t tell you here.”

“It doesn’t matter, Dr. Abrams. I’ll do whatever I need to do to help. When can I see him?” A part of him noted that he probably sounded more excited then he should but he didn’t care.

“As soon as you get dressed.”

_____________

The men strode down the hallway in silence. Steve’s mind busied itself with compiling questions for Abrams for when they would be more at liberty to speak. He noted a conspicuous increase in military personnel and mused over the “happenings” that Abrams’ had alluded to.

Steve’s room had been a floor below Shepard’s, though in a different wing, which meant they had to climb the stairs. His leg still ached with each new shift of weight but it had receded to a dull throb from the sharp pain he had been experiencing. They halted at the top of the stairs for a pair of guards standing in front of a closed door.

One of the soldiers looked at both men and nodded. He stepped to the middle of the door and tapped the glowing panel. The door shot open.

Abrams’ burst out with a laugh as Steve took an involuntary step back. “Oh, I didn’t warn you about that. Power is restored to this floor - well, about 40% of it. It’s being run off of an old gas generator, of all things. Grid’s still down.”

“So the old wires worked?”

“It took some trial and error but they worked. It appears that the EMP only fried wiring with electricity actively running through them at the time of the burst. Makes sense, I suppose. Now the trick will be getting infrastructure up and running in order to make new wiring - not to mention extracting or recycling old materials from which to make them.”

“Sounds like we are basically starting from scratch.” Steve couldn’t say that he was surprised by this but dreaded the reality of it nonetheless. The implications staggered him when he allowed his mind to think of everything that needed to be done before some semblance of normalcy returned for them all. 

Electricity had been used for everything: manufacturing, installation, even mining raw materials. It would likely take years, decades even. But, they had sliding doors here, so he supposed that was progress. “Is Earth the only place affected?”

“Major Connors could tell you more about that, but it doesn’t sound like it. As far as I know there hasn’t been any sign of any of the other races, at least not from any that weren’t on Earth already at the time of the blast.”

“What about the Normandy? Any word?”

Abrams remained silent to this question but his face gave him the answer. Either they didn’t know or the news was bad and both possibilities upset Steve as it would Shepard. He let the stormy silence hang over him as they proceeded down the labyrinth of hallways leading to Shepard’s room. He didn’t even notice the man that stepped in front of him at first and almost collided with him.

“Lieutenant Cortez! Hello!”

Startled, Steve pulled up short and took in the face a mere arm’s length in front of him. Guards lined each hallway; Steve had noted their presence but gave them little attention as they had cleared each checkpoint with ease. One of them had left his station and planted himself directly in Steve’s path. His face was lit up with a comical smile. 

“Um, hi?” Steve forced a smile. He wondered if he would get used to his newfound notoriety and hoped it would fade away soon. He preferred to be in the background; he was no Shepard.

“Verner! Stand down!” a neighboring soldier barked.

“Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry, sir,” Verner’s eyes shot towards Cortez then fell to the floor. He backed away with his proverbial tail between his legs. He went rigid at his station, the model soldier, though his eyes darted between the floor, Steve and his commanding officer.

“My apologies, Lieutenant. It won’t happen again. Proceed.”

Steve nodded and glanced at Abrams, who worked feverishly at sealing in a laugh. “After you, Lieutenant,” he said with as much nonchalance as he could muster, despite a snort that slipped out mid-sentence.

After they had gone a few steps, Steve glanced back at the wayward soldier. To his credit, Verner kept looking straight ahead, though the fingers of his left hand worked the air in worry. Once around the corner and safely out of earshot, Steve chucked a thumb behind them. “Who was that?”

Despite a trembling lip, Abrams answered without laughter; however, his tone danced with amusement. “Another member of your fan club?”

Steve shot him a look that clearly communicated how not amused he was. No - he was not going to like the celebrity business one bit.

“Honestly, though, I have no idea. The military presence here has increased quite a bit in the last couple of weeks. I can’t keep track of them.”

They approached Shepard’s room, now closed off with its own door, with two more guards standing on either side. One tapped the door open while the other nodded approval for them to enter. A couple of nurses busied themselves inside, applying more ointment to Shepard’s chest and arms.

Steve’s breath caught at the sight of Shepard lying there. He looked better but only in a relative sense. Much of the gauze and bandages had come off; his exposed skin still looked mottled in some areas, pinkish with new skin growth in others. The top of his head, including ears and eyes, remained covered along with his right hand and forearm. Monitors beeped beside him now, though they looked ancient with their monochromatic faces.

“Could we have a few moments alone, please?” Abrams addressed the nurses. They dutifully set aside the ointments and stepped out. Then he looked at the two soldiers stationed inside Shepard’s room to monitor him directly; to Steve’s surprise, they nodded and turned out as well. The door slipped shut leaving the three men alone. “There are a few things we need to discuss in private and I’ll give you a few moments alone with the Commander as well. Have a seat.”

Mind reeling, Steve sunk into the corner chair. He watched as the doctor propped against the opposite wall with arms folded.

Abrams continued, “We’re moving Shepard - to an undisclosed location. I don’t even know where yet and I won’t know until we get there. I’ve gotten clearance from Connors for you to go as well, if you want.” The last phrase, he said with a cocked eyebrow. He knew very well that Steve would go and said this only as a formality.

“What’s going on?” Steve leaned forward, elbows propped on his knees and his hands balled into a writhing ball of worry. The sound of his tapping foot reverberated against the spartan walls.

“The public knowing that Shepard is here has escalated into a real problem. There have been several attempted break-ins at multiple points around the hospital.”

“Damn.”

“Exactly. We simply cannot keep him here - for his safety and the safety of the hospital staff and other patients.” Abrams chewed at one corner of his lip. Though talking to Steve, his eyes rested on Shepard. They held nothing but concern.

“But why take me? Technically, I’m one more security risk.”

“You do yourself a disservice, Lieutenant. I meant what I said earlier. I think that Shepard will wake up and I think it is imperative for him to have a familiar face there when he opens his eyes - or, at least, have you close at hand. Granted, the major took some convincing; but Commander Shepard trusted you, so we do, too.”

Relief washed over Steve. He hadn’t realized until that moment what he had feared - that he would be promised access to Shepard only to be forgotten again. He wanted to be wherever Shepard was and now he felt like he would be there. This knowledge didn’t dispel much of the worry surrounding Abrams’ news but it bolstered him for whatever might come.

Abrams seemed to sense this and smiled. “I’ve gotten permission to get you ten minutes alone with the Commander.”

He turned to go and was almost through the door when Steve shot up from his seat. “Dr. Abrams!”

Abrams turned. His eyebrows arched high over dark eyes, expectant.

“Thank you. For everything.”

The doctor nodded with a genuine smile and walked away. The doors slid closed behind him, and Steve stood alone with Shepard.

Still, he stood looking at the door for a full minute, unsure. He’d spent all of his mental capacity worrying about getting here. He hadn’t given any thought to what he would do - or say. God Steve, what is wrong with you? He feared the answer to that question, so he didn’t bother supplying one.

He turned, finally, to the man lying in the bed. He knew what he wanted to do, what he wanted to say; but there were unknowns to contend with. They left him alone as a sign of trust but did they really trust him that much? Were they watching? And what about Shepard? Steve had always heard that people in a coma had some sense of the outside world, might even be able to hear what is said to them. This had never been scientifically proven, true or false, though Dr. Abrams seemed to think there was validity to it. Yet, there were things he had wanted to say for a very long time but there had always been restraints keeping him from doing so.

Those restraints seemed moot now, except for the ones that were self imposed. Finally, feeling the time wasting away, he turned and forced himself to Shepard’s bedside. The sight of him lying there caused a cry to bubble up in his throat.

Tears flowed. He didn’t try to stop them. He didn’t want to. He cried not just at the sight of Jaxson Shepard and his current state but for the knowledge of all that he had been through - more than any person should ever have to endure. To never know peace; to be fighting still. Steve wished so much that Shepard could find rest in his life. He wanted him to know how much he had meant to so many people.

“Shepard, I - damn, there are so many things I want to say to you right now. Maybe I’m a selfish asshole for telling you now when I have you as a captive audience and when I don’t even know if you can hear me or not. And, if you wake up, I promise to tell you again; but I just wanted to thank you again. I was - well, when you first met me I was so lost. I missed Robert so bad.”

He actually paused at this and laughed - a crazy, stupid laugh. Perhaps the absurdity of the situation struck him at that moment. Perhaps he felt giddiness from releasing things he hadn’t realized he’d suppressed. He didn’t try to analyze it, though.

“I still miss Robert, but you made missing him bearable. Gave me a new reason for living. And somewhere during all of that - God, I don’t even know where - I learned to love again. I started loving -”

Was he really going to say this? He wiped his nose with this arm and decided.

“I love you, Jaxson. I know you will probably never love me. You and Kaidan - you guys were never as big of a secret as you thought you were. I’ve seen how you look at him and I know you will never look at me that way, but -” Steve looked down at his hands and watched them work the metal railing on the bed. He imagined them being his mother’s hands kneading dough, making his favorite biscuits on Sunday morning. He breathed in the imagined smell of them baking. “I needed to tell you, Jaxson. And I’m such a shit for telling you now but I don’t know how else to.”

Steve chewed at his lip as if to restrain them from doing what they wanted, what he wanted. A moment of indecision hung in the air. He closed his eyes and listened to the monitor beep as it measured Shepard’s heartbeat. He heard his own pulse in his ears.

Then he leaned over the rail and hovered over Shepard, face to face, for a never ending moment. He faintly felt Jaxson’s breath against his lips as they drew closer.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Steve shot upright so quickly he overcompensated and flailed backwards. He just barely caught himself from falling to the floor. His breaths came in jagged rasps as he regained his footing, though his mind still reeled. His eyes shot towards Shepard, the only other person in the room.

Shepard lay there just as he had. Unmoving. Apparently still in a coma. And Steve knew it couldn’t have been him, once he thought about it. The voice had been elsewhere in the room, not mere centimeters in front of him. He took a panicked look around. Had someone come in without him hearing? His gaze swept the room but the two of them were still alone. What the hell?

Had his better judgment gained its own external voice? Was he going crazy?

The something clicked in his head. A memory from several months prior materialized as the only possible explanation; but it took him a few moments to give the memory a name: “Kasumi?”

A woman solidified from supposedly empty space across the bed from him. Her hand remained clamped against her mouth as she finished stifling her laugh. “Very good, Steve.” She allowed a chuckle to interrupt her. “I’m impressed.”

Anger flared within him. She nearly gave him a heart attack, if the pounding continuing in his chest gave any indication. Yet, he felt something else, too, and it took him a moment to identify it for what it was: relief. He wasn’t alone. This surprised him for he hadn’t realized how alone he had felt until that moment. This feeling tempered what he said next: “You can’t do that to people.”

“Sorry,” she said, though her voice held no sincerity.

“What are you doing here?”

“The same thing you are. Taking care of our boy here. Though you seem to be doing a better job of it.” Her eyes sparkled under the shroud of her hood. Her lips turned up in a playful smirk.

Steve rubbed his neck. “Yeah, um, about that-”

“Don’t worry about it. I get it. Besides, we have bigger problems right now. We need to talk but not here.”

“I’ve been getting that a lot today - what?”

Kasumi had turned her head to the side as if she were listening to something and had stopped listening to him. He paused to listen for it, too, but heard nothing. Steve had only met her once; perhaps she always behaved like this? “I gotta go dark.”

“You what?” She kept looking towards the door though no sounds from the hallway penetrated it. He studied it for a moment and noticed he could see a small slit at the bottom of the door where the stronger light from the hallway seeped in, the sign of an improperly fit door, not to Alliance specifications at least. He made out no shadows there foretelling an imminent entry. But something had spooked her. “Well, where do I find you?” He turned back to her but she had vanished. Fantastic. He started to whisper her name but halted when he heard the door slide open.

A lanky young man strode in. “Lieutenant Cortez? Dr. Abrams sent me to help you get set up in the room next door.” He smiled though it seemed a bit forced, as if he would rather be doing anything else. Steve studied him for a moment, now paranoid that perhaps someone had overheard his conversation with Kasumi, that he might know she was here. The kid just waited, returning Steve’s gaze with his own disinterested stare. “Are you ready?”

Steve glanced back at Shepard and allowed his eyes to flit over the room for any sign of Kasumi. He knew there wouldn’t be any but felt better checking. Satisfied, he turned back to the nurse. “Um, yeah. Sure. Lead the way.” Steve followed him out of the room and hoped that everything he’d heard about Kasumi was true. If so, he felt confident that he wouldn’t need to find her. She would come to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is another chapter coming soon (what??) along with some news. ;)


	7. Shepard: Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A super short chapter but it serves an important purpose. Shepard wakes up for the first time since destroying the Reapers.
> 
> As ever, a huge "thank you" to the two who have my back as my betas: [milky_way_born](http://archiveofourown.org/users/milky_way_born/pseuds/milky_way_born) and potionsmaster/nightmarestudio606 ([Ao3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster) & [Tumblr](http://nightmarestudio606.tumblr.com/))! Y'all are amazing!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... a rather big announcement, so bear with me. I'm still a newbie to the world of fan fiction (to sharing my writing in general, actually) and it is a learning curve. I had this idea for a long story with some semblance of an idea of where I was going with it and thought that I should post as I write. However, I think I approached this the wrong way. I have a tendency to jump headfirst into the deep end and then immediately start flailing and thinking "oh shit, do I even know how to swim?" Sooooo... with that said, I've made a decision.
> 
> I am going to work on this story. I promise. I want to see where it goes as much as anyone! But - I feel like between having writers block at times, having real life obligations (like building a house), and out right procrastinating - I am taking longer between posts than I should. If you are following the story (and I thank you SO much for staying with me if you have - bless you), you may actually forget what has come before by the time I post a new chapter. 
> 
> Here is my plan. Write when I can. Post one shots occasionally so you don't forget about me. Then, once I have this long fic finished, I will post at regular intervals. So, this chapter is short but I felt like it was a great place to leave off - a turning point of sorts. Maybe cliffhanger? Can I dare to hope that it will be so good you will come back?? Well, only you can decide that. Feel free to subscribe or check back regularly if you are interested. If you aren't, I completely understand and lots of *hugs* for hanging with me thus far!

Don’t leave me behind…

Shepard awoke. An involuntary gasp for air set him to coughing. He tasted blood and a razor of pain sliced through his brain. Still, he focused on the fleeting voice that still rang in his ear.

Had he been dreaming? No. It felt more substantial than that. The words had weight, like a memory. Confusion clung to him but he reached for that memory like a beacon: the memory of a battle, machines and the end of the world. And a man. Jaxson reached into empty space with his atrophied arm to mimic the last motion that had meant anything to him, to brush the face of this man.

“Kaidan...”

The name scraped across his blistered tongue and caused him to cough more. The shock of pain in his throat proved to be the first of many of his facilities sending their complaints. Every square centimeter of his body protested in some way, once they had all checked in: many with pain, others with numbness. Much of his skin tingled and itched. Some of his muscles, surprised at the return of sensation, began to jerk involuntarily.

His mind reeled to make sense of his current predicament. It back-filled his last few conscious moments. Kaidan’s face as the Normandy pulled away. The searing pain as the Reaper’s beam clipped him. Making it to the Citadel. The Illusive Man, Anderson, the ghost kid. The memories flooded back in rapid succession. 

A cry bubbled up in his throat at the sudden ache in his heart which superseded all of his physical pain. The universe seemed to implode into his chest. He started coughing again.

The memory of Kaidan echoed: 

Don’t leave me behind…

“Kaidan. I’m sorry.” His mouth refused to yield any saliva to help lubricate his words and his lower lip split open at the last syllable, offering a fresh supply of blood.

The memory of Kaidan faded to give way to panic and confusion. Where was he now? He tried to open his eyes but couldn’t.

His trembling hands began to work around him and his available senses offered him clues to where he might be. He lay in a bed with a sheet covering him. As he moved his right arm, something tugged at his skin. His other hand moved to investigate and it moved across slick skin until he found the point of contact. He felt tubes fused into his arm, a discovery that confused him at first. 

Fear gripped him anew. The Reapers had him. He would have bolted upright had the the strength. Inability to act allowed rational thought to seep in. The Reapers had no reason to keep him alive. They should be destroyed. He hoped. God, how he hoped.

But, then - where was he? A med clinic? Did they find him?

A steady beeping noise reinforced this deduction but it was the only sound in the darkness. No, not true. He could just make out the tapping of light rain against a window. Not on a ship, then. Not the Citadel. Not Lazarus Station.

Not Lazarus Station - though he felt just as he did when he was roused in Miranda’s lab. Only this time, no one was waking him. Talking him through rejoining the world. 

And he couldn’t see.

He tried to open his eyes again but he could tell now that they were swollen shut. He slowly brought his free hand up and explored the bandages around his skull. They covered the entire top half of his head. He thought about pulling them off but thought better of it. Besides, a fresh wave of exhaustion swept over him.

He pulled his hand away and let gravity claim it. Funny how such a simple action could drain him so. He felt as though he might drift back into unconsciousness. He wanted the void to retake him but there was one thing he needed more than anything.

“Water,” he croaked, then waited. Nothing stirred. He must be alone. Still he called again, louder this time despite the daggers digging into his throat.

A hiss. Perhaps a door sliding open? A gasp proved that someone had entered the room but they didn’t say anything. Footfalls retreated and the door slipped shut behind them.

Spent, Shepard slipped out of consciousness back into the recesses of his memory.


End file.
